And I feel good...like I knew that I would

Me and my girls last week :)




Me and JD May of 2011

Me and my bro in law in May of 2010

Me at my friends wedding I lost weight for.

Me and my sweet friend around a year or so after John David was born.

So...I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale (hoping for a certain number) and it showed the number I've been waiting to see for quite some time. I have officially lost 50 pounds! I was overwhelmed with excitement and a sense of pride. As I was basking in my glory I couldn't help to stop and think of my long journey to this point.
All through my teenage years I was very skinny. I didn't realize how skinny I was until looking back at pictures. Even back then I was self conscious and I had a very negative view of myself. I would never think about wearing a 2 piece out in public (not that my parents would let me if I wanted to.) After I graduated high school and Alan returned from his deployment it all went down hill. I gradually started packing on the weight. Time passed by so quickly and before I knew it 2 years had passed, I weighed almost 50 pounds heavier than I did in high school and I found out I was expecting. I gained almost 70 pounds during that pregnancy. After I had him I almost got back down to my prepregnancy weight and then the Postpartum Depression kicked in and kicked my butt. I was so unhappy and turned to food to comfort me. This lasted over a year. I tried different diets, but couldn't stick to them.
It seemed like a blink of an eye and another 2 years had passed and I found out I was pregnant with Allie, weighing 20 pounds heavier than I did when I found out I was pregnant with John David. We were very excited, but especially me because that meant I could eat what I wanted and not have to feel guilty about it. I didn't gain as much weight as I did with the first pregnancy, but after having Allie I weighed more than I would like to share. A friend of mine was getting married several months after I had Allie and I was determined to not be the "fat girl" in her wedding so I started Weight Watchers. I lost almost 30 pounds. After the wedding I guess I lost my motivation and struggled getting back on track. I gained a couple pounds back.
Shortly after Allie's first birthday I found out I was pregnant with Lorali. I gained 40 pounds during that pregnancy. Immediately after having her I started dieting again. I was tired of waking up in the morning and not liking what I saw in the mirror. I was tired of being the one taking the pictures, but never wanting to be in them. I was tired of not feeling pretty. I started losing weight and seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen in a very long time. I felt good about myself for a change. A couple months later I got a part-time job. Somewhere between work, a full load at school, and a full load at home with the 3 kids I lost track yet again. I gained 15 pounds back before I knew it.
I had to do some real soul searching. I felt myself slipping back into depression and it was my weight that was causing it. I finally had to slap myself in the face and tell myself to snap out of it. I thought, "If you're tired of the way you look and feel then change it! Quit whining and do something about it." Since then I've been consistent with my weight loss. I've reached the 50 pound mark. It has been so exhausting not only physically, but emotionally and mentally exhausting as well. There were so many days I wanted to give up. I would go a week without losing anything and think whats the point? I did it though. It took me almost 6 years to get to this point. There are so many days when I wake up and look in the mirror and still see that fat, unhappy girl I have been for so long. Though I see a physical change, I still have to change my view of myself on the inside. That is my next goal, although I still want to lose 20 more pounds, I need to focus on building my self esteem.
Ok, thats my story. The End :)

Its a cool day for a school day.

Wow, what a day! Words cannot express how sick and emotional I have been over the past couple of weeks every time I thought about John David starting kindergarten. I wasn't nervous about him making friends, or him being a behavioral problem. He's an awesome kid and makes friends so easily. I've been upset about having to go most my day without him. He's never gone to "school" for more than half a day, so this is going to be an adjustment for all of us. I'm going to miss him most during the afternoon when the girls take a nap because that was our alone time together. We usually curl up on the couch (hes a snugglebug) and watch cartoons or play games. I cried most of the morning before taking him to school. I made him cinnamon rolls for breakfast and tried to keep my bearings. I tried to pull myself together, but couldn't seem to hold it all inside. We looked like tourist walking in with cameras around our neck and checking everything out. I couldn't get the video camera to work, but it somehow managed to record mine and Alan's argument over how I was behaving. His principal was standing outside wearing a super silly hat and welcoming everyone. I thought that was so sweet and special. It made us all giggle and forget for a second what was about to happen. We walked in his room where his precious teacher greeted us. John David remembered what locker was his from open house last week and walked right up to it and put his book bag up. He found his seat and started coloring. I said ok babe we have to go and he replied with, "ok mama, don't forget to come back and get me." I'm not sure if he was trying to make me cry at this point! We said our goodbyes and left. When I got home my body felt so exhausted. All the stress and fears that had been leading up to the first day were gone and I felt such relief and could've slept all day. He had a good day and I enjoyed listening to him tell me about it. We treated him to a steak dinner for being such a champ.

Of course I want to see him academically excel, but more importantly my wish for him this first year of school is for him to learn the differences between people. I've always taught him that God made everyone different and special in their own way and this will be the first year he sees that first hand. We've been around the same group of people most of his life and I'm excited for him to learn diversity. I want him to be a friend to everybody, but especially to the kids who really need a friend. John David has a special spirit to him. I pray he uses his kindness to reach out to kids who need to be loved and even now at his young age that he'll share the good news of the Gospel. I know this is going to be a great year for him. I look forward to him maturing and learning.